RANT Your Brains Out #98274

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sometimes I wonder if I'm actually an introvert, or just so scarred by anxiety that I've misinterpreted my constant fear of being with others as introvertedness

I'm just lonely you guys.
 
It's one thing to think everyone else has got their shit straight and you don't. It's another beast entirely to see just how true that shit is.

Objectively I can recognise that I'm improving - that my bad days now are equivalent to my good days. But that's little comfort when your body starts freezing up...at the thought of getting food.

Yup. Indecision over what to eat has paralyzed me with anxiety. As for bigger, long-term ideals? I fell into my last job...I don't know how to look employable.

I just want to be able to manage existence without failing at the basics. And yes. I know talking in terms of failure is what contributed to this in the first place, but bad habits are hard to break.
 
why does picking a name have to be so hard

better question: why does everyone slightly adjacent to my life need to be named some variant of Chris

even better question: how did I forget that my brother's best friend is named Chris ???

is this the true reason that trans people so often pick outlandish names? did I uncover the code?
 
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I really hate my job sometimes. I just don't know what to do when I'm overwhelmed. I'm tired and I think I'm getting sick.....
 
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I really hate my luck most of the time. Mostly because nothing seems to work out the way I want to and it's like life is giving me the finger and I am getting frustrated by it all the time.
 
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Great way to wake up:
Big cookout for dad's work today. We've been working on the food for it for a week now! (Smoking ribs, fixing pulled pork, made a ton of egg rolls, seasoned chicken, etc.) All the meat is provided by my family for it!

Of course, it's too much for my parent's fridge, so they always send some to my fridge. No problem.

Except my wake up call at 6:45 this morning is my brother yelling at my animals because they are "in the way" so I ask him what's up.

Guess what electronic appliance decided to cut out during the night? So that the chicken and ribs that were down here are now room temperature... And we don't know how long they haven't been cold for ='D

Last night, the fridge was working juuuuuuuuust fine. And now it's not. -_-;;
That's a lot of food that we now can't fix, and that's a couple hundred dollars just thrown away. :<


As if today wasn't going to be busy enough and rough enough as it is. This cookout is held on the other side of the state, because it's 'closer' to where most of the people who work for my dad live. That's hours away from where we live. We have to drive there and back. I'm glad I don't go with dad, so I don't have to unload the grill, smoker, coolers, and all that stuff. But I have to help load it all back up. That stuff is heavy, and normally it's soaking wet when we have to load it back into the truck.

While there, it's several hours of heavy socializing. (Which I haven't been in the mood for lately, so is going to be even more exhausting than normal)

The few hours drive home. Unload everything. Oh, and then dad wants to head to the other house TONIGHT, which is another couple of hours of driving ='D So that means loading up everything for that trip, heading there, and unloading everything there. Putting that shit up, and just... ugh no.


Also, I might or might not be in a downward spiral in my bipolar, which might or might not have royally fucked up my sleep schedule, so I might or might not have gotten, maybe, an hour of sleep before the rude awakening. Hint: Yes, Yes, And less than.

Great day, hope nothing else goes wrong, because if it does, we'll just throw a massive panic attack into the mix, so I can't breathe, will be sore, and will be miserable for days instead of just the one day. Thankfully that hasn't happened, yet, but ugh.
 
I am hopeful that the congestion is just allergies, that the headache is a combination of not being hydrated enough and sleep deprivation, and that I am not sick.

I know it's that time of year for colds to start making the rounds, that I'm living in a new environment; I've been going out more and having trouble sleeping, and that I know I normally get sick around this time every year.

All these factors point to me being sick. I do not want to be sick.

It does seem like the allergy meds are starting to work a bit though and I just had something to drink so hopefully the rest of the headache will go away with some sleep. Taking it easy for the rest of the day couldn't hurt either.

At least all my roommates are quiet
 
With the changing season, no matter how much lotion I use, my skin has started cracking/splitting open. It's only gonna get worse when winter gets here

Time to find a new moisturizer (or several) I guess
 
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it's that time of year again - my birthday is approaching and so is my sense of existential dread and unending self loathing

look, I would like to go back to 3 birthdays ago, when I was content pretending to be a cis lesbian and everything was going ok for me. or can I just shut my eyes and be taken to the alternate universe where I am a cis man and not have to be this in-between, miserable, sack of shit, embarrassment to my entire family.

I almost cried leaving Vancouver earlier this month because I knew it was the last time I'd ever get to spend with all my family where they still loved and accepted me. Shit is going to go down, I just know it.

I hate this and I hate myself. I hate that I'm nearly 27 years old and have accomplished nothing. I had wanted to be a published author by now, but I can't even keep up with my role-playing and you expect me to organize my thoughts and write a cohesive fuckin' story. no way.

can't even find a way to make a cohesive rant here, that's how friggin useless I am

ahHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
 
when ur depressed and everyone around u is doing what they want in life and ur just stuck in the same lifestyle but u cant even get help bc therapy is expensive and all ur friends dont talk to u YEET
 
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I live in hell. I swear this place has something new hitting me everyday.

Crap everywhere and I can't change it? Check.
Crazy neighbors that make up some serious rumours that has seriously damaged my social standing in the community? Check.
Crazy neighbors that harass and bully me? Check.
Crazy neighbor's dog that barks constantly throughout the early morning to late at night because he's stuck outside on a chain all day? Check.
Smell unable to be controlled because there are too many cats? Check.
Anxiety levels the highest they've ever been because the only friend in walking distance has been acting like everything you d is wrong so you can't talk to them about things that really matter? Check.
Sick all the time? Check.
No heat when winter is coming up? Check.
No clean water? Check.
No shower? Check.
Food spoiled because you never have an appetite and it spoils before you can eat it? Check.
Had to bug bomb the house more than once? Check.
Crippling depression? Check.
In physical agony 99.9% of the time but nobody gives a shite because you're 'young'? Check.
Dealing with people's anger towards you though you don't understand it? Check.
Alone in life but wanting social connections but lack the confidence or ability to properly interact with people? Check.
Sick all the time without doctors able to figure out what's causing it? Check.
People making assumptions about me all the time? Check.
Getting misgendered and/or preached to whenever I go out? Check.
Then being told that I'm being 'ungrateful' for the things that I do have? Check.
Not earning enough to get out of this hellhole, so I'm stuck in poverty? Check.


This life is hell, and I'm struggling to stay on my feet.
 
I havent had a physical response to stress like this in a long time and right now everything aches and my heart feels like someones squeezing the shit out of it. I don't miss this feeling of pins and needles or the cool clammy feeling i keep getting on the back of my neck. I dont miss this tension in middle of my shoulder blades and when the fuck did breathing get so fucking hard? Having to explain my mental health history to a new colleague at work just to explain that there isnt anything wrong per say and that some times on a rare occassion i will have to walk out and manage myself. Why is it that when your trying to work hard and do your best with things that the door closes in your face, or worse; the phone wont stop bloody ringing. circles in the road man, it's that moment when you think your fine and then your brain says not today satan!
 
wow after my dad told my brother to clean up the floors and the bathtub/walls of the bath he asks me to do it. my brother has no shame in asking other people to do the work that he knows he's supposed to do. after i cleaned up the toilet, the counters, and the mirrors... my dad told me "ok he can do the bath area and floors". now my brother is asking me to do his job and he uses the past to justify it... and of course... he then goes on to tell me that were not brother and sister... wow... um... just wow.
 
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when you catch yourself sleeping all the time, you've let your dishes pile up and your place go unvacuumed, and then you remember 'oh yeah I have depression' and suddenly everything makes sense

but uhh I'm too tired to do anything about it
let's go back to bed
 
My new roommates have been pretty great. They're all nice, clean, we all seem to be pretty quiet and we all tend to stick to ourselves. It's great.

Except...

Every day for about the past two weeks, the guy in the room next to mine, I have heard his alarm go off repeatedly, every 5, 10,15, 30 minutes for hours. And this isn't a case of the walls being thin, because I know they aren't, this is a case of him setting his alarm super loud. And I get it, he's a heavy sleeper, maybe he needs a super loud alarm, but having it go off every ten minutes for six+ hours??? That seems excessive to me. And his schedule appears to be so nuts that I never know what time it's gonna start going off.

He's a nice guy, but that alarm is gonna drive me nuts
 
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It's messed up to feel like I know what the problem is. Have an idea of what I need to do to make things better. But the very thought of actually doing anything. A terror strikes somewhere deep inside. So far down that I cannot conceive of the root of it. And sometimes I'm scared to think of what put that fear in me.
 
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Is it better to tell someone you hate their fucking guts simply because they exist? I really fucking hate that bitch, just because she's breathing seeing her face makes me want to slam it into a brick wall repeatedly. I have met some annoying that's in my life, but she takes the cake.
 
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my hair needs cutting or my dysphoria might kill me lol
 
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Why is this one coworker apparently too good to look at module assignments? I don't work on the chunk he wants me to change. I work on stuff that INTERACTS with it. Whatever. I just have to remember that I'm supposed to do every fucking thing in the world.
 
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