Long rant ahead.
So, I have been extremely sick for the last year and a half and I had no idea why. The doctors struggled to figure it out, but I discovered not a week ago that I have black mold in my room. I have been very weak, tired, and have all the classic symptoms of being ill. So I had to rip the carpet out of my room.
To give you a bit of back story and what my situation is right now, I live in a hoarder's house because nobody in my state rents to someone who only makes $700 something. I'm poor, and I can't live with a roommate so I moved back in with my mother who hates me. She loves me in her own way, but she also has serious issues with me. She's extremely abusive; she got so bad when I was in high school that I was forced to sleep outside with the dog. I lived in a makeshift tent made out of a tent with holes in it, and nearly froze every night.
I lived in hell with her throughout my childhood, she's always had an issue with me. 'It's easier to raise two kids instead of just one' she would constantly tell me. My sister had a good life, but I lived like an animal. Most nights I was afraid to come inside after feeding the chickens, and I'd sleep in the feed shed.
She never listens to me, and lies so often that it's hard to tell what's right and what's not. She's been telling people not to listen to what I say because she thinks that I have 'BPD', as if that somehow invalidates the abuse she puts me through.
I don't have BPD, I have CPTSD, Schizophrenia, Depression, OCD and OCD. But not BPD.
She doesn't want people hearing what she's put me through. I've tried so hard to just ignore it, try to find the happy part of all of this.
I have never been so depressed in my life, and that's saying something. I have lived through a cesspool of abuse in my childhood home, neglect, torture, living in such a parasite filled hellhole that even messy people thought was gross.
I have survived a trafficking house.
Suicide attempts.
Stabbings.
Cancer.
Car accidents.
My father tried to kill me three different times, with a car, gas, and beating. But I survived it.
And even came out with a great sense of humour, and always loving.
My family came into town and you know what I spent my day doing? Cleaning up my dangerously mold filled room alone while they had fun, and then treated like I was a bother. Only to be confronted and told that I was being harsh.
I hate my life. People growing up always had dreams of being firefighters or something but I wasn't dumb enough to think I had a future. And I don't, sure things will get better as they always do but they go back to the same damn thing. Oh I have one, but you know what it is always filled with?
A single moment to breathe and then back to hell again. I feel so god damn broken apart, defeated and like my life is some bad re-run of Cast Away when the guy comes back (sorry, spoilers) from the island. I think if that happened to me, I'd want to stay on the fucking island where at least I know that it was me making my life awful.
And I'm sitting here typing this out, I don't know whether to cry, get mad, or what. I don't really know what to feel other than this numbness. It does hurt, but every part of my life has screamed pain. And I'm not being dramatic here, I've hopped from bad situation to bad situation by just trying to live a peaceful calm life.
I must have fucked up somewhere to deserve all of this. I can't do this dance with people anymore or with myself. I know that my life is going to be as it is.
The damage done to my lungs from the black mold is permanent. The chances of my lungs crapping out on me when I'm 'young' is very high, and you know what? That didn't even get a blink from me. It's like I don't even care about things anymore. I want to, badly, but what can I do? It's like being in a world with people who cannot see you, and the ones that do don't understand.
Maybe I should just go to bed. I'll wake up to some new thing and lose even more. Eventually, there'll be nothing left and then maybe I could have peace.
Sorry you had to listen to this crap, I'm sure it's just me being a bitchy twit.