Relationship Deal Breakers

[Ardent]

Sometimes we meet new people who seem great at first, but then maybe something they do or say triggers that little voice in your head to scream "Run!"

Or you could have known someone for a long time, only to find out that they have one fatal flaw you just cannot reconcile to.

What are your relationship deal breakers (romantic or otherwise)?

 

[Ladyriver22]

My relationship deal breaker is mostly with friends. I have one who couldn't bother to leave a jerk of a partner and continues to complain about that partner mistreating them. That partner has even cheated on them. They have a child together and everything. Haven't talked to that friend in months. The friend refuses to leave after much encouragement. Joker and Harley Quinn.

 

[Vars]

- definitely wants to have kids (already having kids isn't a dealbreaker, but it's a huge negative for me personally)

- financially illiterate and/or unwilling to value finances and budgeting heavily

- passive aggressive

- not geographically nearby

- untreated illness / unwilling to treat to treat illness, especially mental

- unaffected by dirty / cluttered living space

- doesn't value the importance of being alone (if not for themselves then at least for me! D: )

Lol yeah I have a lot.
But I also have zero problems remaining single, so, it's not like having high standards is hurting me any.

 

[Quetzal]

Smoking. I dated someone who did once. It was horrible. I suppose if I was a smoker, it wouldn't have mattered. But that's not a habit I need in my life.

Heavy drinker. I don't drink. At all. I won't judge someone for drinking. But if it's a persistent thing to the level of falling down drunk. Then I'm out. Guess that makes me boring. I've been told not being a drinker makes me boring. Well then I guess I'm boring.

Overly religious. Yeah, that's kinda a deal breaker for me. If they're okay with not pushing it on me, I don't mind them being religious. But I don't need a preacher in a partner. And if we have kids they'll choose their own religion when they're old enough to make their own decisions.

 

[Obsidian Miscreant]

1) Being a smoker
I can not express enough how disgusting the scent of cigarettes are to me. Whether we're friends, or dating, I would never genuinely be enthused to spend time near someone who smells of them. It would linger on their breath, within the fibers of all of their clothing, on their hair, upon their skin, etc. There is absoultely no way.

2) Clingyness
Constantly having to validate my relationship to a friend, or partner. Those who need a text every hour of the day, and flip out otherwise? Goodbye. If we are friends, or if we're together, I need those around me to have enough confidence in themselves, me, and our bond to understand just how excessive that is realistically.

3) Not possessing a sense of self
This piggybacks off of the aforementioned section a bit, but those who lose themselves in other people, and expect said others to do the same. For example, individuals who need to be in a relationship to feel "whole". I'm not interested in another person becoming so dependant on me, and my presence that they can barely function as their own separate entity.

4) Unprotected initimacy
Don't want any surprise pregnancies, STIs, STDs, ABCs, or 123s. If whomever I am with doesnt share a similar sense of self preservation then the door is right over there. Hell to the naw.

5) Cheaters
I have zero tolerance for cheating. If someone were to ever possess the gall to cheat on me then best believe its a done deal. Second chances, where? Not here. Not ever.

6) Unemployed with no desire to remedy
If youre able bodied, and very much capable of finding a job, yet just decide not to, then we've got a problem. Less so for a friend, but one nonetheless. Its one thing to be job hunting, and not recieve a callback/follow up by potential employers, yet another entirely to just not even try. The real world costs money. There is no disputing that, but there are some who are under the impression that leeching off others will sustain them in the long run. A massive wake up call lies in their immediate future.

 

[Ardent]

As for me:

1. I can't stand overly clingy people. I once dated a girl who refused to let me have any time for myself, and would get mad if I did anything else apart from calling/texting her all day (if we were apart).

Being wanted is nice, but too much of it is just a headache.

2. Children. I simply don't see myself having kids in the near (or far) future. Too much responsibility for lil old me.

3. I'm also no good with dishonest/manipulative people. I like to feel respected, not used.

 

[junebug]

Everyone's been listing my dealbreakers. A few of my own; I won't make it too long.

1. Smoking & Heavy Drinking
Can't stand smoke at all, not even vape. It's awful for you and it stinks. Heavy drinking is no no; occasional social drinking is okay, as long as you don't get drunk and act stupid.

2. No sense of independence or proactive "Let's do this" positive attitude
I don't want to be around partners who are clingy, extremely dependent, and don't even know what to do or what they want to do in life, so I feel like I have to do things for them.

3. Negativity all the time
It's okay if you need to lift the world off your shoulders sometimes, but I don't need you complaining every other hour about something that went wrong in your life and how terrible it is. Complaining never got you anywhere.

 

[Dipper]

I've been in the same relationship for for several years. Romantic dealbreakers aren't a thing I worry about or even really dedicate much thought to. But when it comes to friendship, I find it difficult to get along with people who aren't as chatty as I am. I can keep a conversation going, but after awhile it gets tiresome and difficult. People with a self-deprecating sense of humor are also somewhat difficult to stand.

Oh, and people who like cookies. That's an absolute must.

 

[CherrieCafe]

Vanity - I don't need someone who is going to make comments on me not having a bikini body.

 

[Quiet One]

Smoking, heavy drinking (drinking fine, just don't be under the table), overly religious, large family, racist/xenophobic/SJW/etc., an IQ below 110 - those are my deal breakers. Guess it makes sense why I'm alone. Race, body type, and even gender doesn't matter that much to me, but so many of those fit in with like 90% of humanity.

...is this thread designed to make posters feel like assholes? Because I kind of feel like an asshole now.

 

[Draugvan]

1) Being a smoker
I can not express enough how disgusting the scent of cigarettes are to me. Whether we're friends, or dating, I would never genuinely be enthused to spend time near someone who smells of them. It would linger on their breath, within the fibers of all of their clothing, on their hair, upon their skin, etc. There is absoultely no way.

2) Clingyness
Constantly having to validate my relationship to a friend, or partner. Those who need a text every hour of the day, and flip out otherwise? Goodbye. If we are friends, or if we're together, I need those around me to have enough confidence in themselves, me, and our bond to understand just how excessive that is realistically.

3) Not possessing a sense of self
This piggybacks off of the aforementioned section a bit, but those who lose themselves in other people, and expect said others to do the same. For example, individuals who need to be in a relationship to feel "whole". I'm not interested in another person becoming so dependant on me, and my presence that they can barely function as their own separate entity.

4) Unprotected initimacy
Don't want any surprise pregnancies, STIs, STDs, ABCs, or 123s. If whomever I am with doesnt share a similar sense of self preservation then the door is right over there. Hell to the naw.

5) Cheaters
I have zero tolerance for cheating. If someone were to ever possess the gall to cheat on me then best believe its a done deal. Second chances, where? Not here. Not ever.

6) Unemployed with no desire to remedy
If youre able bodied, and very much capable of finding a job, yet just decide not to, then we've got a problem. Less so for a friend, but one nonetheless. Its one thing to be job hunting, and not recieve a callback/follow up by potential employers, yet another entirely to just not even try. The real world costs money. There is no disrupting that, but there are some who are under the impression that leeching off others will sustain them in the long run. A massive wake up call lies in their immediate future.

Number 3 is probably my biggest dealbreaker. I'm a bit of a slut, so there's a lot I can work with. But if it feels I'm talking to a cork board, then nuh-uh.

 

[Kitti]

Lots of things in life are funny! Taking things too seriously for too long really wears me down. If I can't make light and joke about life a little, let my hair down and be silly, it's no good. I think I'm hilarious.

 

[PoetLore]

I find as I get older my list of deal breakers get a little shorter just because I'm a lot more aware of my personal flaws than I was when iw as young and knew everything. That said:

1) Cheating....Been there don't that have the divorce papers to prove it.

2) Pessimistic outlook/ Overly critical of everything and everyone...no time for that kind of black cloud in my life. I have one life to live, and each day is precious. I woke up today, I am blessed, I have a great family, and I don't want anyone casting rain on my parade.

3) Stinginess...this one just makes my brain freeze over. If you can't leave a tip after dinner, don't eat out. Get drive through and sit home, or heaven forbid go grocery shopping and cook some food and save money so you can afford to tip or hand the bell ringer a dollar. (Rant over)

4) This is a petty one but I'm being honest here... Horrible grammar...just can't take it...I don't mind if someone is a bad speller but if they talk using poor grammar and can't text a coherent thought....I'm going to fade into the woodwork real quick.

Otherwise I'm pretty forgiving and accepting, and hope for that in return.

 

[redblood]

1) Clingy
You don't have to be with me 24/7, you don't have to hang on me and you don't need me to be the only one in your life. I am very introverted and need time to recover after I've seen someone, always being with people exhausts me even if I like them. Go out, be with friends, leave me alone when I need alone time and understand that sometimes I will have to meet my other friends as well and during those days I might not spend time with YOU, cause my friend has already mentally exhausted me. The more you cling, the more I will distance myself from you until you break up with me.

2) Drinking
If you want to take a glass of wine that's fine, but don't get DRUNK if you're around me. I can't handle drunk people. I don't care if you're a good drunk and are just a bit extra happy or if you're a bad drunk and either cry or get violent, I get frightened when people are drunk and I can't handle the situation. Go out and drink with your friends, leave me out of it.

3) Kids
No no no no no no no
I can't even take care of myself, I don't eat on regular basis, don't shower nearly enough, I can be stuck in my room for weeks if I don't have something important like work scheduled, I already can't sleep well at night and I can't handle LOUD sounds or body liquids like drool or puke or pee and definitely not poop. Heck I'm even afraid of eating with other people. I should not have a child, cause I'm not mentally stable enough for that. That kid would fly out the window within a month of leaving me sleepless and if it somehow survived childhood, it would probably have so many mental disorders it would kill itself. Every single adult in my family is currently suffering from something, so that kid would be screwed. SCREWED! I wouldn't even trust myself with a cat! AND I LOVE CATS!

 

[Summer Rain]

Smoking is a major one for me. I hate the smell of smoke, and I don't even want to think about kissing someone who smokes. The odd cigarette while drinking doesn't bother me, but a regular or chainsmoker is a huge no-no for me.

Another is overly shy or distanced. I've dated men in the past that wanted nothing to do with my family, and since I'm super close with my mom and sister, it caused a lot of heartache and tears. I later realized that he likely had major (untreated) social anxiety he refused to acknowledge.

Finally, anger. I cannot deal with anger. Period.

 

[v.]

Heya, I'm new here - don't mind my random rant. Asdfghj I've actually got a lot to get off my chest about this topic. //shy noises

Relationship-wise...​

Personally, I find that when you're really deeply in love with someone, a lot of things stop mattering. Clinginess just becomes something you can adore, etc. You want to spend as much time with the person as possible, you don't mind their odd habits (things that you'd think that you would mind, prior to falling in love). I guess it might be different for me, because I really don't mind a lot of things - I'm a hopeless romantic that strongly believes in unconditional love.

But, well, I still think there are still some things that I can consider to be "deal-breakers" (more like "heart-breakers" for me, but eh).

1. Cheating/flirting - that's a hecc of a big one. It completely invalidates whatever love that person might have had for me - it just means it wasn't worth anything, I guess. Ack.

2.Taking something personal that I said and using it against me, or using to back-talk me/hurt me. It just means that I can't trust the person, and I guess if I can't trust them... Well, isn't trust the basis of a healthy relationship? This probably wouldn't be enough to make me consider leaving or anything, if it's not too serious, or if it's an accident/one-time thing.

3. Abuse - Obviously, it's horrific to put up with abuse. It's confusing, it's painful, and it's definitely something that should be a big deal-breaker.

4. Drinking is a huge problem. I've seen it a lot in people who should have known a lot better. Alcoholism is a serious heart-breaker for me, but if my partner suddenly started drinking - I'd do my best to help them stop.

Friendship-wise...​

1. Mean people. People who find it fun/amusing to be cruel to others, or display a big lack of empathy.

2. People who claim to have issues, but don't really. I guess... People who seek attention. After a lot of bad experiences... This is a big peeve of mine. It's so hard to be around someone who constantly acts depressed, and constantly makes every situation about themselves, and plays the victim. They don't understand that people around them might have issues themselves, and might not be able to handle helping them. They never try to actually improve/get better, and always use their problems as excuses... And it's always really obvious. Like,"Boo hoo, mom took away my Nintendo, I'm gonna die."

For example... While being an administrator on a large community, I've had a situation where some older guy was being a creep. I tried to talk to our mod team about it, and one of the moderators relentlessly screamed, "MAH PTSD IS TRIGGERED," the whole time. We tried taking it to a different chat, but they actually even followed us there and continued letting the discussion upset them, even when we asked them to leave. They were clearly seeking some kind of pity or attention from us, or trying to get us to forget about our duties to take care of their mental state.

3. People who don't understand personal things, or have no patience for mental issues. I know it can be a burden for some to be around people who have problems, but... I think it's also difficult for people to be around someone who doesn't want to understand or consider some of the thoughts that come up in your head. Or, someone who is so focused on themselves, and on their own thoughts that they refuse to understand yours.
Of course, I don't condone relying on people as some kind of magic mental-help aids, but I've seen a lot of situations where people act cruel towards others with depression, or social anxiety. For example, just straight-up calling someone who is diagnosed with chronic depression, "Lazy."
Or, they pry about those issues, or that person's past, and don't understand that the person might not be comfortable with talking about painful things. "Oh I told them about my issues, why can't they tell me?" That kind of thing.

Patience is such a rare, and beautiful trait.

4. People who don't actually want to talk to me, or put effort into a friendship. It's really hard for my to talk to people, and sweet baby Jesus is it hard to talk to someone who clearly doesn't want to talk, is too shy to talk, or doesn't want to actually get to know me. I just feel really bad if I'm with someone, and they're completely silent the whole time.

 

[Pahn]

if I can't make disgusting jokes, talk about sex, and just be silly in general with someone ... well it ain't gonna go well at all. People who are too nice terrify me and makes them come across as very untrustworthy in my mind.

basically my friends and lovers are assholes who can make all the terrible jokes and be pervs with me.

 

[Ardent]

4. People who don't actually want to talk to me, or put effort into a friendship. It's really hard for my to talk to people, and sweet baby Jesus is it hard to talk to someone who clearly doesn't want to talk, is too shy to talk, or doesn't want to actually get to know me. I just feel really bad if I'm with someone, and they're completely silent the whole time.

I get what you mean. One of my pet peeves is people who only ever talk about themselves. As if they can't be bothered to get to know me.

I try to stay away from such people. Not worth the time and the effort.

Also, welcome to Iwaku!

if I can't make disgusting jokes, talk about sex, and just be silly in general with someone ... well it ain't gonna go well at all. People who are too nice terrify me and makes them come across as very untrustworthy in my mind.

basically my friends and lovers are assholes who can make all the terrible jokes and be pervs with me.

Ugh, yeah. I like derping around and making dirty jokes, so it'd be really hard for me to be friends with someone who can't do the same.

Why do you think nice people are untrustworthy?

 

[Pahn]

Why do you think nice people are untrustworthy?

It's just a hiccup I have I guess, people who are too nice even in private conversations feel like they have something to hide or that they're being insincere. I'm not saying it's true, just that it's instantly how I perceive them.

 

[Bobby]

Finding out they enjoy being cruel to animals. I couldn't have any type of relationship with anyone who likes that.