Cutting Out Toxicity

[XIII]

Hey there, individuals of Iwaku. How are you doing?

I had to cut out a toxic friend today, and I didn't want to. I actually feel pretty badly about it, but I have to for my mental health. Once upon a time, she was such a strong individual, but a few years ago she started dating this horrendous guy. He's drained her financially, makes her feel absolutely terrible about herself and her career (highly successful,) and when she's finally done and tries to leave, he uses the fact that he was an orphan against her and how this always happens, yadda yadda yadda. He's toxic, I've tried to talk to her, bring things to his attention, bring up the fact that he's lied about being in the military, or the fact that he's claimed to have terminal brain cancer 3 times and have survived it all. It's personal at this point since I have family (and myself) were military, and my mom nearly died from cancer. He pushes all of the friends who call him out away and have made her nearly alone. But I couldn't do it any more. I love her, she's like my sister, but there comes a point where you have to just say enough is enough.

So, I ask you, Iwaku, have you ever had to do this? What was the situation if you don't mind sharing?​

 

[Diana]

I've never actually ended a friendship because I knew it was toxic before. D: Like CHOSEN to end it, with full awareness that they were being toxic in my life. I always kinda realized in hindsight that things weren't cool after a really big FUCKUP and we instantly cut ties. @_@ Or where life just naturally had us distancing from each other, and then later I was like "oh, they weren't good for me".

I uuuuusually have a good sense of who is and isn't good for me to be hanging around most the time, so the few incidents it's happened, it was always situations that snuck up on me through friendships that I thought were sincere until they suddenly weren't.

Most of the toxic stuff that came into my life was family related. D: And in those cases sometimes all you can do is set firm boundaries and just deal with fallout as best you can.

 

[Nemopedia]

I'm sorry to hear about the situation and that it had to happen. At some point you gotta choose for yourself and walk away because you can't be expected to carry the burdens of others as your own or try to solve their problems for them. I hope she will one day finally gain the strength and insight needed to break away.

I have had to cut people from my life. Most of them boil down to them having problems that they refused to recognise, or seek help for, and made it my problem to deal with. Each time I had to do that I had to gather the strength again to put my foot down and state my boundaries clearly. Those that got cut are the ones who couldn't respect my boundaries, even if I hadn't set them before. Those who did respect my boundaries eventually made it back into my life, though needless to say things have changed. It is a process but I always came out of it stronger and in the long-term I feel better about it. I hope you will as well for defining your own boundaries.

 

[XIII]

@Diana @Nemopedia
I'm sorry that both of you have had to deal with it. As for me, Nemo, it's a bummer because we've been friends for over 20 years. Absolute best friends. But she has a habit of 'I know everything,' and when I've brought it up in the past, she says 'well I'm just trying to spread some information.' Like when I was told I have adhd, my psychologist said 'think of what you have as add, because you have attention deficit, but you're not hyperactive.' I'm a pretty calm person, surprisingly. And she went on and on about how this woman didn't know what she was talking about, and how add isn't a thing any more, and her knowledge is clearly outdated and she should be fired. It's exhausted to be around/talk to her. But again, she's been my friend for so long and it's a bummer being the one to say 'look, your boyfriend is turning you into a horrible person; he makes you a worse person and I can't do it any more. I've tried to reason with you, I've tried to talk to you, hell, I even showed up at your house over an hour and a half away when he was threatening to shoot you just to protect you. But the fact that you're so blinded by this awful man and you put it out to everyone and try to make everyone feel just as miserable as you has made me not want to be in your life any more.' She barely even speaks to her family any more (I still have a close relationship with them, which makes it even harder) because of how much they dislike her boyfriend, she has almost no friends left because of him, and I'm genuinely scared for her. But like I tell my kids, you can't help people who don't want help, and I pray to the gods that she can finally step away from him and really be done, the same way I got out of my marriage. Good news for her, is that they don't have kids and they aren't married.

 

[Sorrelfur]

Funnily enough I had to cut off a good friend too last year, last January actually. I'd known her since freshman year of high school. I would do anything for her including cut off other friends because she dated them and broke up with them. I would stalk people's fb or social media for her. Yes I know Hella creepy but she was my best friend and I'd do anything for her. But finally I had enough of her. She flew to Germany to visit my ABUSIVE ex bf who strung me along for years and gave me so much trauma. He bullied me into sending him inappropriate photos, forced me to sext him, belittled my opinions, etc. He was trash and she knew every detail. I called her to bawl many times. So when I found out she went to Germany to visit him I was done. I gave her a chance to apologize and explain herself but she had the gall to say he was her friend too and I was just being dramatic. She didn't even like him when he came to our school, she called him creepy and pervy and pushed him towards me. I lost it on her, absolutely ripped her a new one and then cut her off. And honesty, I felt so much better afterwards. I realized our friendship was toxic, it wasn't healthy and sometimes cutting people off is the best thing to do. Sometimes you can't make a relationship work and that's okay, it's life. Don't beat yourself up over a relationship not working, sometimes it's for the best. Do I miss her? Sometimes, but then I remember how much pain she put me through and I remember that's not what friends should do.

 

[RedCat23]

There was one boy in high school I used to be best friends with. Saw him as a brother and his family as a second family if that makes any sense. Six years out of school, things got bad. We used to hang out over at his place, sleep overs, that kind of thing. But his family always argued. His grandmother was a little senile so she was...I wouldn't say hostile but just really paranoid and that affected the mom and stressed her out. I couldn't deal with it cause it was bad energy and it made me emotionally drained. I had to cut him off because of it. I miss him but not the family drama and stress.

 

[NotAllThatCreative]

I've not had to do this but I've been cut off from friends when I've done nothing wrong. My best friend, of 10 years I might add, cut me off randomly one day and I believe it's because her mother didn't like me. I taught her how to be independent, to order her own food at a restaurant (her parents did it for her all her life), and to be more outgoing, and helped her get a job. I was so proud of her. She was becoming such a beautiful woman and I encouraged her all the time. One day, she came by, grabbed her stuff, and left. I haven't seen her in about 4 years now. I miss her every day. We did everything together and my heart still feels like it has a massive gaping hole in it.

Another friend, who I met on here, simply ghosted me. I have no clue why. I encouraged her, helped her on her bad days, listened to her, and I tried to understand her. She returned it when I spoke of how unhealthy my mom's mental health was and how my dad was, to put it simply, a douche. We were extremely good friends and she called me her sister and told me how she couldn't live without me. One day, I woke up to message her and ask her if she was alright, but I was blocked. So I messaged her husband and asked him if something had happened and if she were alright and I was met with hostility. To say that I was upset is an understatement. But in the end, I'm actually quite grateful for it because when I look back, she was toxic.

I have pretty much resorted to accepting that I'm not meant to have friends lol.

 

[wren.]

I've had to cut quite a few people out of my life, friends and family. For various reasons: boundary crossing, verbal abuse, gaslighting, making me walk on eggshells, them using me without giving anything back... It's difficult, but it's necessary when you find the relationship leaves you more drained than anything or once you've noticed it's become plain abusive. It's especially tricky when you know someone is suffering and that they're relying on you for their mental health, but you can only help so much, and if they refuse to put in the effort to change, all they're going to do is drag you down into the water with them. All you can do is cut them off and wish them the best. After all, you can't help people that refuse to help themselves, and you can't help when you're also drowning. Even if it sucked initially, I'm glad I did it because it left much more room for positivity.

 

[Fluffy]

I have a few too many stories about 'cutting out toxic people.' Because, unfortunately, I've had to unsubscribe from the family I grew up with. There's also been a lot of times when I've had to end friendships because of them being unhealthy. It used to be impossible for me to leave people who were bad for me. Since I came from a place where I was treated poorly all the time, I thought that was just how relationships were supposed to be. I had some destructive patterns when it came to relationships because I literally didn't know what was good for me. I picked some of the worst people to either befriend, fall in love with, or adopt as my chosen family. Took me a while to learn better. Meeting my husband helped, so did doing years of therapy. I can now cut out people from my life with little difficulty. The moment I start disliking how someone's vibes are, I'm just like "haha laters gators."
"May the bridges I burn light the way."

I cut out my mother because she's the most toxic person in my life. I describe her as a fusion of Mother Gothel from Tangled, and Trigon from the Teen Titans cartoon. It was difficult to disconnect from her because, well, that's my mother. Even though she treated me badly, our bond as parent and child still existed and it hurt to have to learn to live without her. I gave her plenty of opportunities to make things right with me. She kept using that kindness to keep hurting me and disappointing me, though. Kept trying to see what all she could get out of me without actually working on herself, paying back my money she stole, making arrangements to visit, and so on. I had to eventually just tell her I was done with her. In conversation, I mostly call her 'egg doner' or her first name, which is Jennifer. Because she doesn't deserve to be called 'mom,' or even her lesser preferred motherly title of 'mother.' (For some reason he always hates being called 'mother,' so of course I like to use it.)

There was also the time I had to break up with my bestest of best friends. :[ We were besties for like 15 or more years until I realized how toxic (and abusive, sadly) he actually was. We used to spend so much time together and he was the person I felt like I could say anything to. But he did me so wrong that I just had to say goodbye. It's been a challenge for me to believe in friendship ever since that incident. I will always wonder if people are just giving me their attention because they pity me as he did. I'm getting better about that thinking, though. There are people in my life who kindly reassure me, quite often, that they adore me very truly and want to share their time with me.

Ahh and I'm reminded of a friend I had to cut out literally a few days ago... A friend who I'd known since high school, actually (which means, like, at least 18 years of knowing each other). She revealed herself to be someone who is anti-trans. She evidently was praying for me to 'get well again,' too because she thinks my being trans is the result of serious mental illness. It shooketh me to the core. I attempted to educate her and offer my perspective on things, but it wasn't successful.

Anyhoo. <3 I'm proud of you for doing what was best for yourself, XIII. I'm proud of everyone here, really. It's hard to have to cut ties with someone to who you were so very attached. :[ Something I try to remind others, and myself, is that when you empty your heart of those who were hurting you, you make room in your heart to love others. I found that to be very true over time. I can give a lot more to the people who have great relationships with me because the ones who drained me are gone now.