LESSON Roleplay Consent, Part One: The Principles of Consent in Collaborative Writing

[firejay1]

Forum roleplaying is, first and foremost, a form of collaborative writing. This both means that things can be very personal to the parties involved, and that communication is a really key component to getting a roleplay to work. On Iwaku, we like to make it clear that GMs of group RPs have full creative control over their concept, and who/what types of characters they allow to play in it, and although much of the same principles should apply in one-on-ones, there's a lot more pressure to yield to what your partner wants when it's just two of you with equal claim to the story you're creating together. There is nothing wrong with this - every collaborative effort requires compromise - but writing together can involve a lot of vulnerability. Roleplay is, in essence, an exercise in trust, and it requires recognizing and honoring your partners limitations.

In this three part guide, I'll be going over the rules involved in RP consent, specific ways to set boundaries with RP partners (even if you hate saying the word no), and how to recognize and minimize the chance that you're pushing a partner into something they're not actually okay with.

Part One: The Principles of Consent

What can I say no to?

First off, let's be clear. You can say no to anything.

This includes partners, plots, story beats, specific character types, worldbuilding elements, numbers of characters you play, kinks, post length or speed requirements, and even specific character actions.

• You can refuse to RP with someone for any reason. Maybe you aren't confident you can match their average post size, and it stresses you out to write much less than a partner. Maybe you saw their request thread and suspect they're more interested in their own gratification than building a story together. Maybe you just prefer not to RP with someone under a certain age. Maybe you've had bad experiences with this specific person. This is your hobby. It is for fun. You do not owe a single person anything in regards to your writing.

• You can admit you do not like a plot or the way the story is going. People much prefer you let them know you do not like something than have trouble posting and eventually ghost them.

• You can tell someone you are not comfortable RPing with a certain character type. This one really seems to stump people, because another person's character is technically their domain, but the simple truth is that their character can, in fact, affect your comfort levels. When people say, for instance, in their partner requests, that they only do mxm, they are implicitly limiting the types of characters they will accept playing with. While this is less relevant in stories that are unlikely to end in romance, you are allowed to let your partner know if you don't want them to play an Asian girl because you've had bad experiences with Asian fetishists, just as much as you are allowed to ask they don't play a certain gender. This does not automatically make you a bigot (though of course there can be bigoted reasons people will refuse to play with certain types), and if anyone insists you are a bigot because you are establishing boundaries with them, the two of you are probably not a good fit.

• You can even ask someone to change a post they've already written. While this doesn't generally have to happen, if they post something that goes counter to your previously-discussed plans, or is a personal trigger for you, and especially if they're using your character without asking permission (aka God-modding), you are always free to ask them to change it.

Who can I say no to?

Once again, the answer is basically everyone. You are just as free to ask a staff member or admin to back off of something as a complete stranger.

You should also feel comfortable saying no to your friends.

This is probably the most difficult one to do in practice, because we all want to accommodate those close to us as much as possible, but if anything, your friends should be more willing to accept your being clear and setting the boundaries you feel you need to. Oftentimes, they'd welcome hearing you speak your mind, and if they don't, it should send up a red flag for you about either your tone or the relationship you're trying so hard to protect.

What are the repercussions to saying no?

Whenever I have the impulse to give in to some RP thing I don't actually like, there's this nagging thought in the back of my mind that's always motivating me: "What if they get upset?" People hate having others upset with them. We're social creatures, it's often just kind of built in. But in this case, it's important to think about the actual implications of a partner getting upset, and how it stacks up to the implications of you placating them just so they won't.

There are really only a few possibilities if someone gets upset in response to you refusing something in RP:

• The other person yells at or tries to get into a fight with you.
• You and a partner decide this story is not working out, and you lose the RP.
• You and a partner decide you are not a good fit for each other, and you lose a partner.
• Your partner is a friend, and things make this friendship tense.

In the first case, your immediate response should be to report them to staff on Iwaku, because that's called harassment and is against our rules. In the second or third case, it can suck, but there are TONS of RPers out there. You can find more usually with relatively little difficulty. The last case is the only one that is really serious, but if it happens, again, it calls into question either the relationship you have, or the tone you used to speak to them. If it's a matter of tone, well, people come across as rude all the time. The best you can do is try to identify what underlying implication actually upset them and clarify things with them as respectfully as possible. But sometimes your friends are indeed toxic to you and do not care about your well-being, and while it can be painful to cut off any friendship, ultimately it is sometimes better for you to do so.

The possibilities when you placate a partner are simple:

• You get forced into doing something that discomfits you.
• Your partner may feel free to do more things that overstep your boundaries.

Provided the other person does not immediately ghost you, you could be stuck with this RP and this decision for a while. You've just said yes to something you're not comfortable with. It could cause you stress for a while, or actively trigger you and cause breakdowns. It can make the RP a really horrible slog to get through. And if you never tell your partner no, it can be an easy step for them to assume nothing is ever a problem for you, even as far as god-modding. This may not seem like a big deal now, but after a while these minor stressors can build up and make RPing at all stressful and unpleasant, which is precisely NOT what rolePLAY should be!

Do I need to justify things I'm uncomfortable with?

Absolutely not. Whether it be because it's an actual trigger you're not comfortable talking about, or just because you don't know why the issue in question is bothering you, you are not required to explain why something feels boundary-pushing for you. However, it can be really helpful for the other person if you do explain, inasmuch as you can. It can help your partner avoid triggers that will set you off, or have a more concrete idea of what they need to edit about their characters or posts.

Can I take back my consent for something?

YES. Just as with sexual consent, even if you say yes to something once, you can always take it back if things are not working out, or something you thought you'd be okay with it turns out you're not. You can withdraw your consent for RP things AT ANY TIME for ANY REASON. The only limitation in our terms is that you can't willy nilly take back a post you've written that's already been responded to, because that post has become a part of the collaborative story you're making.

Do I have to accept someone's request for me to change something?

The short answer is no, you don't. Say you make a character whose past involves a history of rape. That's not at all a simple topic, and your partner may ask you to change it because they're not comfortable with a topic like that, but you're convinced that this is an integral part of this character's history, personality, and/or motivation. You are not required to change it just because they ask. You have the same rights to be comfortable with what you're writing as they do, and once again, the worst thing that can happen if the two of you can't figure it out is you lose an RP. There will be more out there. Heck, there may be more with that partner, even. It's okay to let ideas change and develop as you discover what works for each of you.

JOIN US NEXT TIME FOR PART TWO: Establishing RP Boundaries.