LESSON Roleplay Consent, Part Three: Recognizing When You're Being the Asshole

[firejay1]

Part Three: Recognizing When You're Being the Asshole

Thus far I've been talking about why, how, and what's allowed when you're trying to set boundaries in an RP, but it's important to also keep in mind the other half of the equation. It can be really hard for partners to express themselves, and you might not even realize when you are being an added barrier to communication. Of course, it's always best if they'll be honest with you, but we can only be responsible for our own behavior. We can't always know when we're being an asshole to someone, it genuinely isn't always intentional. But there are ways to make sure you're being as respectful and approachable as possible.

The easiest thing to avoid is God-modding.

God-modding, as I'm sure most of you know, is the practice of manipulating another person's character in your own posts, particularly without explicit consent, but in this case I'm also going to include the manipulation of someone's world. In many ways, it can feel easier to just assume another character's actions rather than ask your partner what they want to do, such as moving along an introduction between two characters with a "[partners character] said hi back," especially if the partner has a wordcount minimum. This CAN be okay, not all partners will mind, but a lot of people do not like that, and it honestly isn't difficult to discuss your plans with your partner first, or explicitly ask if you can move their character a bit.

Even if they do give their consent for you to manipulate their character, know that they may disagree with what you've written once they've seen it, and write that portion keeping in mind that they might ask you to change it. In a combat situation, for instance, you might be tempted to write "My character dodged, and then punched him in the stomach, the hit landing with a heavy thud." But it's so easy to ask your partner if they're okay with that before you write it, and be willing to change it if they ask. Maybe they wanted their character to catch the punch or move slightly so it didn't hit so deep. Similarly, if you're writing with someone with a pre-established world, it's much nicer to first ask them before you develop or manipulate that world further. Better to go "hey is this alright with you?" than have the person who did all this work on a world feel violated because you added that orcs in this world eat the coagulated blood of their ancestors for strength. You can really ruin a partner's experience writing with you if you don't consider them enough to ask a simple question.

Give people space.

Constantly heckling people for posts or answers to questions is rarely ever the right way to go. It's a sure-fire way to make people uncomfortable or force them into things before they're ready, especially in response to "is this okay?" questions. You don't have to wait a week until you ask again, but remember to take a breath and give them at least a day to think questions over. While you might be raring to go - I know I sure want to do that sometimes - you're much more likely to get a higher quality post or an honest and thoughtful response to questions if you allow your partners to take their time.

Back off when people say no the first time.

This one is real simple. If you ask someone to RP with you, and they say no.... LEAVE THEM ALONE. If you ask someone if they'd be okay with you god-modding their character, and they say no... DON'T GOD-MOD THEIR CHARACTER. If you ask if you can make your character a god in their world, and they say no... DON'T TRY TO PERSUADE THEM TO MAKE AN EXCEPTION FOR YOU. As mentioned before, you do not have to accept every change request you get, but if you're asking a simple yes or no question and are willing to make the change, try not to negotiate. When someone gives you a hard no, wheedling them to change their mind is the same thing as not respecting their answer in the first place. I'm not saying you can't ask for a way to meet them halfway or discuss until you guys get to an option that works for both of you, but assume a no the first time you ask is genuine and treat it as such. Don't "are you sure?" or "but I really think it would be better this way" or "I mean, come on, don't you trust me?" Harassing and cajoling someone until they give in to what you want to do is NOT the same thing as legitimately getting their consent to do that thing.

Keep checking in on things.

As I mentioned before, people can withdraw their consent to things. They can change their mind about you using their character that way, and frankly, they can lose interest in the RP. Since those can be hard to bring up directly, an easy way to keep dialogue flowing is to occasionally (not every day, or even every post) ask your partner how they're feeling about everything. That way, your partners can have an avenue for expressing any concerns, and you can be sure that everyone's having a good time with the RP and what's happening in it, especially if posting is going a bit slow.

Don't get upset when something is not working for a partner.

It can sting when you find out that a partner doesn't love a plot or character you're really invested in, but it's important to remember that it takes a lot of courage for someone to say so. I'm not going to say don't FEEL upset if you get the dreaded "this isn't working for me" message, but definitely try not to let that feeling control how you respond. If someone tells you something isn't working out, you need to give them the benefit of the doubt, just as you would want someone to give you that. Try not to react immediately, and definitely give yourself a chance to calm down and speak after you've considered what they've said. Your feelings are important too, but getting angry with someone trying to assert a boundary with you is more likely to backfire. You might make them angry, or afraid to speak up again, or even cause them to want to ghost you instead of honestly telling you what's going on. None of those things are good for you, your RP, or your relationship with the person you're writing with.

Be willing to be flexible and change.

This is just my personal stance on it, but being really stubborn and stuck on your own plans and ideas is going to make it hard for a lot of people to conduct RPs with you. A roleplay is a collaborative story, for the most part. If you're not here to write with other people and allow their ideas to influence and shape the story you make together, why RP at all? You could just write a novel on your own. You don't need to be flexible on everything, but having a generally willing attitude to be open-minded and flexible, even with concepts you feel strongly about, will make you easier to plot and discuss with!


FINAL THOUGHTS:

Ultimately, an RP partnership is like any relationship. Two people working towards a single goal together are going to have conflicting ideas and personality traits, different sensitivities and expectations. If you want it to work out, it's always going to require the courage to be honest, a proactive spirit towards communication, a basic respect for the other person's needs and ideas, and the willingness to be both gracious and flexible to one another. Hopefully this guide was a little helpful on how those principles apply to roleplaying!