LESSON Roleplay Consent, Part Two: How to Establish Boundaries

[firejay1]

Part Two: Establishing Roleplay Boundaries

It's easy to assert that we should be able to set RP boundaries with everyone and for everything, but actually carrying it out is a different matter entirely. A lot of us know we're allowed to say no to people in theory, but have a hard time actually doing it in practice. So in this section, I'll be focusing on tips and principles for HOW we actually set those boundaries.

Always answer truthfully to the question, "Are you comfortable/okay with _____?"

No matter how insightful you think your partner is, they are not a mind reader. There's this problem where we internally translate the question, "are you comfortable/okay with me doing this" into "am I allowed to do this without you kicking up a fuss?" But those two questions are not the same thing. Some people really don't want to kick up a fuss, even if their partner is doing something that does not actually make them feel comfortable. If your tendency is to answer the question "are you comfortable with ____" with "sure" as long as it isn't so heinous you'd run screaming in the opposite direction, you are misunderstanding the meaning of their actual question. And once you say yes to something, your partner is going to assume you mean it unless you take it back, which is much harder to do.

Do everyone a favor, and be honest with them. It'll make you feel more comfortable, and them feel more clear. And if they get upset about you saying no, then they weren't actually asking the question in the first place, and they are unlikely to care about you or the beautiful story you want to create together.

Do not belittle yourself mentally.

If you ever find yourself thinking, "mmm.. I really don't feel comfortable with that, but... it's fine. It's not a big deal." Nine times out of ten, having that thought means it is a big deal. Take it seriously. You are not less important than your partner.

Take. Your. Time.

RP is largely done with people you have never and possibly will never meet in person. You not only are under no obligation to humor them, you have the space and time to step away from them if their presence is becoming a problem to you.

If someone is asking you to allow something in a way that upsets you, walk away from it for a second. Take a breath. Think about it with as clear a head as possible. Don't judge yourself. Being honest with yourself about whether you are comfortable with that thing requires you to not put pressure on yourself. This is the internet. Your partner isn't going to know if you disappeared before you saw their message or not, people go afk all the time. Obviously, putting off the decision indefinitely and being otherwise active is not going to look good for your case, but it NEVER hurts to give yourself a few hours or even a night to think it over, ask advice from friends, or construct what you precisely want to say.

Don't dwell or spiral, and fail to actually SEND the message.

While it's good to think things through and consider how you're saying something, the worst thing you can do is spin yourself so deep into a whole of "how do I say this perfectly to cause the least offense possible" so that you can't bring yourself to actually send a message letting your partner know something is wrong. That's a surefire way to cause yourself tons of anxiety and make your request REALLY late. Just to be frank: YOU WILL NEVER SEND THE PERFECT MESSAGE. It's not gonna happen. No matter how careful you are, it is possible for your partner to take offense or misunderstand, and the more you spin yourself into circles about how they're going to react, the more you're CAUSING yourself anxiety. The point of giving yourself time to think about things is so you can approach the topic with a clearer head.

Now, it's easier said than done to go, "just don't overthink it," so I'm not going to say that. Instead, just get yourself into the habit of drafting a message, setting a time limit for how long you sit with it, and then just send it. Regardless of whether or not you think it's perfect. Again, that can be anywhere from a day to half an hour, but the point is that you practice being fearless about your messages. Once you've sent it, do ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING than think about it until your partner responds. And again, I'm not saying "don't overthink it" I'm saying, actively think about something else. Move your body if that's what helps. Listen to music. Play a game. Write a post for someone else. Go "AAHH" to a friend, and then ask them to talk about something fun with you. Watch a show. Do work. There are studies that prove TRYING not to think about something actually makes you think about it more. So don't. Distract yourself. While distracting yourself from all your potential problems is a terrible thing to do, this is one thing that honestly doesn't matter enough to waste your brain power and emotional bandwidth on. You cannot do anything to fix a problem that hasn't happened yet.

Treat it like a helpful heads-up.

People often think that asking a partner to change something or letting them know you're not okay with something is automatically rude and confrontational. It doesn't have to be!

What's happening when you define your boundaries clearly to a partner is you're letting them know something! You're giving them information they can use to make you more happy and comfortable, especially when oftentimes they have no idea that the thing they're doing or suggesting is an issue. If their character is reminding you too heavily of Hermione from Harry Potter and you're not fond of it, it might help them make their character more distinct for you to point it out! It can even make them feel comfortable to let you know when they're not fond of something you're doing, too.

Rather than thinking of it as trying to start a fight with someone, think of it as trying to help someone make a story that you're both happy with. It can really help you relax a bit about the whole process.

Suggest an alternative or action step when possible.

There's a reason there's a saying, "don't criticize unless you have something to contribute." This is not always true. Again, you are not required to justify or know exactly how to fix something you don't like to both your satisfactions, but most people do not like criticism.

The easiest way to make it not SOUND like criticism is to give them something concrete they could do to easily solve the problem. When you bring a problem to someone and have no way of fixing it, it can sound like pointy fingers that make them feel lost and cornered. Offering them an easy step to fix it, without FORCING them to take that step, gives them an easy way out. Sometimes the step can be as easy as, "hey, let's discuss this or brainstorm further." It still gives them something else to focus on than potentially wounded pride.

Try to make it a discussion, not an ultimatum.

When you're trying to enforce boundaries you feel have been crossed, it can be tempting to look at it as an all-or-nothing deal. To say, "you have to do this thing because I'm uncomfortable with it and no means no." But writing stories together means that things can't really progress until both parties are satisfied, and sometimes what you want to change isn't actually simple or easy for your partner to change. You do not have to compromise on everything, but instead of giving your partner a "do this or else we can't go any further," it will be easier on both of you if you're willing to meet them halfway or consider alternatives that will work for you without FORCING them to agree to everything you're hoping to change.

Be kind.

Once again, you are not trying to start a fight, and people can take it the wrong way even when you have the best of intentions. While this part doesn't NEED to be said, really truly I think the best way to make saying no to things an easier process for everyone involved is to just treat your partner with the assumption that they mean well. If they react badly to you saying no, it could be because they're hurt or think that it's in some way personal to them, and the best thing you can do in that situation is to give them a little grace and try to explain why you're saying no to them with as much care as you can. You will soothe hurt feelings a lot more easily if you remain kind and considerate of them. And if they ARE intentionally trying to give you a hard time, it is hard for them to escalate if you don't respond to provocation.

JOIN US NEXT TIME FOR PART THREE: Recognizing When You're Being the Asshole